TheLight710

I am still recovering from my weekend. My boyfriend and I have decided to part ways…I guess I should refer to him as my ex, but anyway, I’ve been an emotional wreck. I binged all day Saturday and Sunday and then I felt awful. Then I slept for about 16 hours on Monday.

I finally decided to crawl out of my depression and so today after work, I joined a gym. Unfortunately, after binge eating I didn’t feel like eating much today. I must of over done it at the gym because after my work out I almost passed out in the locker room. I don’t know if its because I’m still smoking or not eating right or if my blood sugar just dropped but the room was spinning and I was pretty sure I was gonna die. In what I perceived to be my last moments on this Earth, I felt a deep sense of devastation that I wouldn’t be able to loose this weight and that I’d look terrible in a casket…Then, when I realized I wasn’t going to die, I wanted to die of embarrassment ‘cuz I came to lying on a bench, with a chick standing over me yelling in horror, “Yo! Shawty’s laid out!” I then proceeded to peel myself off the bench and laugh the situation off by saying that I should probably quit smoking. I felt way better when I got outside and I guess tomorrow I’ll just make sure I eat a snack before I hit the gym.

I’m feeling pretty “Blah” right now. I’m not happy with the way I look and I didn’t expect the break up at all. My self-esteem took a huge blow. I don’t measure my self worth by whether or not I’m in a relationship, but I was sooooooooooooooo “in love”. I still don’t even know what happened. The whole situation has me reeling. Its one thing when you expect a relationship to end but when it smacks you in the face out of nowhere its hard to just keep going. I decided that instead of the retail therapy I usually indulge in when in this situation, I’m going to try to get through this slump by sticking to my diet and hitting up the gym. Prayers and support would be greatly appreciated!

I feel like a little kid at Christmas… I totally want to weigh my self every hour to see if I’m making any progress. This is in fact totally ridiculous…I’ve been “dieting” for all of four days…and I’ve only been actually working at this whole weight loss thing since yesterday.

I’m proud of myself! I totally cleaned house last night. Replaced the Whole Milk with 1% and switched from Sugar to Splenda. I traded in my Hershey Bars for Special K bars and I haven’t tasted juice since Sunday and I can’t even remember the last time I drank regular soda. I’m not naieve enough to believe that I’ll be able to give these things up entirely for my entire life, but I’m hoping that by depriving myself of them for a while I can teach myself not to miss it as much. I don’t want to be owned by cravings for chocolate or Pepsi!

After I switched things up at home, I made some changes at work. My co-workers are giving me a hard time about dieting. Its “uncool” that I don’t want to order out for breakfast and when I pull out my low cal snacks I get teased. I really feel bad for having been so discouraging to dieters before. I know I currently look “fine”. The problem with that is that I’m only 22 and if I kept on going the way I was, by 40 I wasn’t gonna look “fine”… I’d be pricking myself with needles everyday to test my blood sugar! I used to eat Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwiches for breakfast all the time, drank about 4 cups of coffee, each with whole milk and 3 sugars. When I started realizing how many calories were in these things it kinda made me sick. My body doesn’t need that junk to function properly! My friend Lola is a health nut and every time she chooses a salad over a cheese burger she says, “I’m being kind to my future self”. I used to laugh at her and order some extra bacon…Now I’m seeing just how horrible I’ve been to the future “me”. If I were “future me” I’d want to kick “former me”’s butt!

I figure right now I’m “transitional me”. I’m still learning the right way to eat to maintain my body. I really believe that I’m on the road to becoming a healthier individual. I kinda feel like all this blogging and food journaling is corny and a little on the insane side, but its really motivating me to stay focused. I can’t wait until I get to post some results!

Food Log

Exercise Log

I really enjoy eating. I eat a lot and I like it and I honestly don’t want to change it. I like not being “skinny”, I like the person I am inside and out, and honestly this whole dieting thing feels like treason. Like I’ve crossed over to the dark side of weight obsessed skinny girls that live off of two grapes and a diet soda lol. But I also don’t want to be unhealthy, and this year in particular I’ve been feeling the effects of my lifestyle choices. My immune system is non-existant and the last few years of inhaling nicotine is doing nothing to motivate me to returning to my formerly athletic self. I also have a ridiculous sleep schedule. My boyfriend finally had an intervention with me this morning pointing out that it can’t be healthy to need 3 alarm clocks going off in order to wake up in the morning. I’m so torn. I’m in a long distance relationship and I love talking to Jordan at night but I have no energy and I’ve been so sick this winter. Ugh. I’m also a writer and for some reason 2am is when I feel most compelled to write, despite knowing I have to be at work at 8am. I’m begining to realize that the greater challenge isn’t going to be changing my body but changing my mind set.

At any rate, I’ve been journaling what I eat…I didn’t really know where to start in terms of changing things in my life, so this has really helped. I used to write things down before, but I never had a visual to break down what I’m actually consuming on a regular basis. What I’ve learned in the last few days is that I’m a horrible eater! My diet is definitely 1/3 fat and 1/3 carbs… That can’t be a healthy fat intake…I’m also noticing that I subsist on food with no nutritional value! I didn’t even realize that was possible. I’ve been staying in my goal range for calorie intake so I could probably lose weight with portion control, but thats not at all getting to the root of my problem. Diabetes runs on both sides of my family tree and I’m determined to not have to walk down that road! And thats not even mentioning my reccently deceased Grandmother’s multiple angioplasties and my father’s two triple by-pass surgeries by 42.

I want to be healthy and active well into my senior years. The sad part is that I’m not even really healthy or active at 22. Its ridiculous, to expect that I could achieve my health goals not to mention reach and sustain my goal weight of 130 lbs if I don’t make some drastic life style changes.

Food Log

Ok, I’m gonna lay all my cards out on the table. I smoke New Ports and I love fried food, Cafe con leche with lots of sugar, Chocolate and Carbs.
I have possibly the worst eating habbits ever. For breakfast I have a cup of coffee and a cigarette, I eat sandwiches or heavy meals for lunch, unless I skip lunch and eat a Hershey bar and then I eat Rice & Beans or something similar with something fried for dinner. I am a giant Heart Attack wrapped up in Diabetes waiting to happen.

I’ve kind of always been a cheerleader against losing weight. I’ve accepted being overweight and have become comfortable in my skin. I’ve embraced being a “Fat Kid” and have learned to have fun with it. I like to believe that people love me for who I am and now for what I look like. Unfortunately, at 5′4 1/2 and 166 pounds and counting I think we can safely say that I’m slowing turning “chub” into “flub”… and in reality, it isn’t cute, funny, or most importantly, HEALTHY.

So here we go, I am going to try my best to get it together. I eventually want to weigh 130 pounds. Like I said, I’m currently at 166. Hopefully I can get there with good old diet and exercise…And did I mention the part about how while losing weight I’m going to attempt to ween myself off of cigarettes? Right now, this all feels pretty impossible, but God willing I’ll make it to my goal of being a Healthy, Smoke Free Individual!

Food Log

Exercise Log